Best overall approach
When someone is experiencing anxiety linked to abuse, the most effective approach is to create a safe, calm, and non-judgemental environment.
The key is to:
- Listen actively
- Believe them
- Avoid pressure or control
- Support safety and choice
Core Principles of Support
1. Create safety and trust
- Find a private, safe space to talk
- Make sure the abuser is not present or able to overhear
- Protect confidentiality where possible
- Help the person feel physically and emotionally safe
2. Active listening and validation
- Listen without interrupting
- Do not judge or challenge their experience
- Believe what they are telling you
-
Validate their feelings, for example:
- “That sounds frightening”
- “It makes sense you feel anxious”
- “You are not to blame for this”
Validation reduces isolation and fear.
3. Stay calm and regulated
- Speak in a calm, steady tone
- Avoid panic or shock responses
- Your calmness can help reduce their anxiety
- Do not rush the conversation
4. Respect autonomy and choice
- Do not tell them what to do
- Avoid controlling decisions
- Support their right to choose their own next steps
- Empowerment helps restore control taken by the abuser
5. Safety planning (if they are ready)
You can support them to:
- Identify trusted people in their life
- Plan safe places they can go
- Prepare emergency contact lists
- Create a code word for danger
- Think about what to take if they need to leave quickly
A safety plan should always be led by the survivor, not imposed.
6. Encourage professional support
- Suggest contacting trained professionals
- Offer helplines or specialist services
- Encourage confidential support options
- Example services include domestic violence helplines and crisis organisations
What to Avoid
Do NOT:
- Judge their choices or staying in the relationship
- Blame them in any way
- Pressure them to leave before they are ready
- Confront the abuser directly
- Take control away from them
These actions can increase risk and anxiety.
Supportive behaviours that help
Be calm and steady
- A calm presence helps reduce panic and fear
- Emotional stability from you can be grounding
Be patient
- Leaving abusive situations can take time
- Survivors may go back and forth
- Continued support is important even if change is slow
Recognise signs of distress
Possible indicators include:
- High anxiety or panic symptoms
- Extreme tiredness or exhaustion
- Emotional withdrawal
- Substance use as coping
- Confusion or difficulty concentrating
Important safeguarding note
If someone is in immediate danger, emergency services should be contacted immediately (for example, 911 in the US).
Key message
The most helpful support is:
- Calm
- Non-judgemental
- Patient
- Respectful of choice
- Focused on safety, not control
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