Understanding Self-Harm: Pain Behind the Silence
Self-harm isn’t always
about wanting to die — for many, it’s a way to cope with overwhelming feelings,
emotional numbness, guilt, or trauma. It might be hard to understand if you've never
been there, but it's often about trying to feel something or control something
when everything else feels out of control.
Why Do People
Self-Harm?
What Is Self-Harm?
Self-harm isn’t
something that only affects young people—it can happen to anyone, at any age.
Not everyone who goes through tough times will self-harm, but for some people,
it becomes a way to cope when things feel overwhelming.
It’s important to
understand that self-harm isn’t a mental illness. It’s a sign of emotional or
mental distress. People might hurt themselves because they’re struggling to
express what they’re feeling inside, or because it feels like the only way to
deal with intense emotions. For some, it’s about trying to feel something when
they feel numb. For others, it’s a way of taking back some control.
Self-harm
can affect anyone, regardless of age, not just young people. It is often a
response to emotional pain, not a mental illness in itself, but a sign of deep
mental distress. People self-harm as a way of coping with overwhelming feelings
or situations when they feel they have no other outlet.
The reasons
behind self-harm can vary widely. Common causes include:
·
Stress, such as pressure at work or
from daily responsibilities
·
Financial worries
·
Abuse or trauma
·
Bereavement or grief
·
Low self-esteem or identity
struggles
·
Mental health conditions like
anxiety and depression
·
Neurodiversity, such as living with
Autism or ADHD
·
Bullying
·
Family, friendship, or relationship
problems
·
Addictions, which can increase
vulnerability during crises
Everyone
reacts differently to negative experiences. Some may turn inward, and for some,
self-harm becomes a way of expressing or releasing emotions they cannot
otherwise put into words. It can also be linked to a desire to feel something
when feeling numb, or to exert control in a world that feels chaotic.
While not
everyone who goes through difficult times self-harms, understanding why someone
might do so is the first step toward compassion, support, and healing.
Why Do People Self-Harm?
Self-harm
isn’t something that only affects young people—it can happen to anyone, at any
age. Not everyone who goes through tough times will self-harm, but for some
people, it becomes a way to cope when things feel overwhelming.
It’s
important to understand that self-harm isn’t a mental illness. It’s a sign of
mental distress. People might hurt themselves because they’re struggling to
express what they’re feeling inside, or because it feels like the only way to
deal with intense emotions. For some, it’s about trying to feel something when
they feel numb. For others, it’s a way of taking back some control.
There are
many reasons why someone might turn to self-harm, including:
·
Pressure or stress at work
·
Money worries
·
Abuse or past trauma
·
Grief and loss
·
Low self-esteem or not feeling like
yourself
·
Living with conditions like Autism
or ADHD
·
Mental illnesses like anxiety or
depression
·
Bullying
·
Relationship or family problems
·
Struggles with addiction
·
My Experience
·
I know
what it’s like to feel so overwhelmed that you don’t know what to do with
yourself. For me, living with Autism and ADHD has meant dealing with a lot of
emotions I couldn’t always understand or explain. Sometimes it felt like
everything was too much—loud, confusing, or just out of control.
·
There have
been times in my life when I didn’t feel heard or seen, and that made the pain
even harder to carry. Self-harm, for me, was never about attention. It was
about trying to cope, trying to release something I couldn’t put into words. I
didn’t want to hurt myself, not really—I just wanted the pain in my mind to
stop.
·
Over time,
I’ve learned different ways to manage those feelings. Writing helps. Talking
helps. So does being honest about what I’m going through. That’s why I’m
sharing this now—because if you’re reading this and it sounds familiar, I want
you to know you’re not alone. There is help out there, and things can get
better.
Everyone
reacts differently to difficult situations. Just because two people go through
the same thing doesn’t mean they’ll cope the same way. In a moment of crisis,
someone might make choices that don’t seem “right” from the outside—but at that
moment, it might feel like the only option.
Self-harm is
a way of coping, not a cry for attention. People who self-harm deserve support,
not judgment. What they need most is someone to listen, someone who cares, and
the right kind of help to find healthier ways to manage pain.
Finding Support and Safer Ways to Cope
If you’re struggling with self-harm, please know that you’re
not alone—and you don’t have to deal with it by yourself. Reaching out can feel
scary, especially if you’re used to hiding your pain, but talking to someone
can make all the difference.
Here are some ways to begin finding support:
·
Talk to someone you trust—a friend, family member, support
worker, or mental health professional. You don’t have to explain everything at
once—just saying “I’m not okay” is a good place to start.
·
Call a helpline. In the UK, you can contact:
o
Samaritans – 116 123 (free, 24/7)
o
SHOUT – text 'SHOUT' to 85258 for free crisis text support
o
Mind – 0300 123 3393 for mental health advice
·
See your GP—they can help you access mental health services,
counselling, or medication if you need it.
·
Online communities can offer peer support. Just make sure
you’re using safe, moderated spaces where people encourage recovery.
It also helps to explore safer coping strategies, such as:
·
Writing down what you’re feeling
·
Drawing or scribbling with intensity to release emotion
·
Holding ice cubes or snapping rubber bands (safe
alternatives to release tension)
·
Listening to calming or expressive music
·
Going for a walk or doing something active to shift your
focus
·
Using grounding techniques to stay connected to the present
Different things work for different people—so don’t give up
if one strategy doesn’t help right away. It’s okay to take your time finding
what works for you.
If you know someone who is self-harming, here's how you can
help:
1. Stay Calm and Open
Reacting with shock or anger can make the person feel more
ashamed or shut down. Try to stay calm, listen, and let them know you're there
for them — not to judge, but to support.
2. Listen Without Trying to Fix
Everything
You don’t need to have all the answers. Just being there and
truly listening can make a huge difference. Let them talk if they want to. Sit
in silence if they don’t. Your presence matters more than your advice at first.
3. Avoid Guilt or Pressure
Telling someone
“you’re hurting the people who care about you” or “you have to stop right now”
often backfires. It can increase their guilt, which may actually drive more
self-harm. Instead, try saying something like, “I care about you and I’m here
when you’re ready.”
4.
Encourage Professional Support
You can’t do it
all alone — and neither can they. Encourage them to speak to a GP, mental
health professional, or support worker. Offer to help them find someone or go
with them if they’re scared.
5.
Learn About Alternatives Together
There are safer
coping strategies people can learn over time — like squeezing ice, drawing on
the skin instead of cutting, or using grounding techniques. But these are tools
that work best alongside therapy, not as quick fixes.
6.
Don’t Give Up on Them
People who
self-harm often feel worthless. Your continued care and belief in them can be
powerful. Recovery takes time — there might be relapses. But your patience can
be part of what helps them keep going.
You could also
consider adding a note in your book about your perspective: how seeing or
experiencing self-harm made you feel, how others reacted (helpfully or not),
and what you wish people had done differently. Personal stories like yours can
be powerful in breaking the silence and stigma.
Would you like
help shaping this into a section for your eBook? I can help word it in your
voice if you want to include it more personally.
Absolutely — and
that’s a very compassionate insight. People who self-harm can have many
different reasons for doing so. It's not just about guilt or punishment. Some
common reasons include:
·
Emotional release
– when feelings are too big or bottled up, self-harm can feel like a way to let
them out.
·
Numbing emotional
pain – for some, physical pain feels easier to deal with than emotional pain.
·
Feeling in control
– in a life that feels chaotic or overwhelming, self-harm can feel like
something they can control.
·
Self-hatred or low
self-esteem – they may believe they deserve to suffer, even if that’s not true.
·
Trauma or past
abuse – self-harm is sometimes a way to cope with trauma that hasn’t been dealt
with.
·
Communication – it
can be a silent cry for help when someone doesn’t have the words to express
their pain.
If you’d like, we
can add this understanding into your book’s tone and message — in a way that
helps others see the complexity behind the behavior, while also encouraging
support and kindness. Here’s a short paragraph you could use or adapt:
Self-Harm:
Breaking the Silence
As hard as this is
to write about, it’s a true and painful reality that many people, sadly, do
self-harm. There’s very little awareness around it, partly because it’s
upsetting for people to talk about. But that silence can make things worse.
It’s a serious issue, and we need to talk about it more — not less.
It’s hard to
understand why self-harm happens, especially from the outside. For some, it’s
about guilt — feeling like they’ve done something wrong, even when they
haven’t, and believing they should be punished. We all feel guilty sometimes,
but some people carry that feeling so deeply that they turn it inwards, harming
themselves as a way to cope.
But I also
understand that guilt isn’t the only reason. People may self-harm to release
overwhelming emotions, to feel something when they’re emotionally numb, or to
have some kind of control when everything else feels out of control. It can
also be linked to trauma, abuse, or long-standing struggles with mental health.
Sometimes, it’s the only way they know how to express pain they don’t have
words for.
It’s heartbreaking
— and difficult — to witness someone you care about hurting themselves. So how
can we help?
How
to Help Someone Who Self-Harms
·
Stay Calm and
Listen
The most powerful thing you can do is be there. Don’t panic or judge. Just
listen. Let them know they’re not alone and that you care, even if you don’t
fully understand.
·
Be Compassionate,
Not Critical
Avoid saying things like, “You’re just doing it for attention,” or “You need to
stop now.” That can cause more shame. Instead, say, “I’m here for you,” or “You
don’t have to go through this on your own.”
·
Encourage, Don’t
Pressure
Encourage them to speak to a doctor or mental health professional — someone who
can help them work through what they’re feeling. But don’t pressure them. Just
letting them know support is out there can be a first step.
·
Offer to Help Them
Find Other Ways to Cope
There are safer coping strategies that some people find helpful, like holding
ice, drawing on their skin, journaling, or using grounding exercises.
·
These aren’t magical
solutions, but they can be a step forward.
·
Be Patient
Recovery isn’t a straight line. There may be setbacks. But don’t give up on
them.
·
Your continued support and belief in them can
be life-changing.
If you'd like, we
can also add a short section encouraging people to seek help for themselves, or
signpost to
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